i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
