if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
