so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
