I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
