My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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