Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
