My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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