My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
