i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
