eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
