Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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