I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize