In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
