I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
