I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
