life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
