Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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