party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
