Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
