im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
