hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
