He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
