3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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