That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
