grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
