I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
