taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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