If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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