found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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