when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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