why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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