Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
