An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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