I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
