I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
