my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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