I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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