I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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