Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
