My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
