I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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