The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
