I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
