can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
