i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize