There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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