Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
