You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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