I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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