Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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