I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
