Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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