Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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