It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
