Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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