my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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