Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
