I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
