Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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