I was born with a shot glass in my hand
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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