rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
