Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You need Xanax blowdarts
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
