I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
