I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
