why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
